Hormads have been oozing out of their vats in Morbus and immediately snatching up DVDs of the popular Jasoomian documentary “John Carter,” boosting sales so far to nearly $98 billion. “Romance, adventure, a kick-ass princess, great special effects – what more could you want?” said Seven Trillion Nine, a recently formed hormad who was waiting... »

Fans of the Jasoomian documentary ‘John Carter’ have begun recruiting new members to their ranks at a gathering this weekend called a “Comic-Con.” Their numbers are swelling in a disturbing trend that some military analysts say could be an indication that Jasoom actually intends to invade our planet. Or, they could really just want a sequel... »

Since the Jasoomian documentary “John Carter” has broken all box office records here on Barsoom, bringing in $4.7 billion since its release, The Blade decided to track down the man whose portrayal in the film has generated much controversy: Matai Shang – Father of Therns, Holy Hekkador, leader of a discredited religion. We spoke... »

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The green horde of Warhoon, host of the next ‘Hunger Games,’ announced on Friday that all the competitors will be baby Tharks. Tars Tarkas, jeddak of Thark, denounced the move as “typical” of the hereditary enemy of his people. “Our hatchlings will swarm into the stands of their arena and crush Warhoon,” Tars Tarkas said. “I... »

Ras Thavas, the Mastermind of Barsoom, has told his assistants to fetch him the brain of a Jasoomian movie critic. “They are the most curious brains in the galaxy,” Ras Thavas said, according to sources in his laboratory. “Many of them seem to dislike the recently released documentary called ‘John Carter.’” Ras Thavas has reportedly seen... »

Jasoom has released its long-awaited biopic on the life of John Carter. They made up lots of stuff. But it’s an entertaining look at our planet. ohn Carter, meanwhile, told entertainment reporters: “I did not have a wife on Earth.” The denial came amid persistent questioning about the reaction of princess Dejah Thoris to a revelation... »

Covering the Worlds of Edgar Rice Burroughs Writer Jeff Long and artist Chris Wright probe the fantastic worlds of the man who created John Carter of Mars and Tarzan of the Apes — from the perspective of that ancient tabloid newspaper, The Barsoomian Blade. With a dash of The Onion, and in the tradition of Tarzan... »

A Jasoomian group of “ERB Fans” calling themselves The Muckers are hosting a gathering called a Dum Dum in Chicago from Aug. 19 until Aug. 22. We Barsoomians don’t understand this kind of nonsense. But apparently details can be found HERE »

To the editor: The Barsoomian Rifle Association is disturbed by the latest proposals for limiting access to handguns. There is absolutely no need to wait a full minute to purchase a radium pistol. When you need a weapon, you need it NOW! When will these bureaucratic ulsios realize that? Bubba Blortas BRA supporter »

To the Editor: I take exception to the recent editorial in The Blade, “Unsafe at Any Speed,” which alleges that my directional compass “is the greatest danger to Barsoomian motorists since green men began carrying radium rifles.” The unfortunate mishaps which you unfairly allude to were entirely the fault of unscrupulous conspirators and were in... »

Commuters making their way to Opar this morning are experiencing long dalys because of a four-elephant pile up on the main trail into the lost city. Waziri State Police are on the scene, but back-ups are stretching all the way to Cathne. One of the elephants is on fire, which is causing gaper delays on the outbound trail. If... »

By Herbo Gooli The Jeddak’s Guard on Friday entered a strip joint in Lesser Helium and discovered a naked headless body on the stage. “It wasn’t part of the act,” said Kantos Kan, who led the raid. Owner Rapas the Ulsio, of Zodanga, said he had no idea who the body belonged to. “We get this a lot,”... »

When the Jasoomian inventor Jason Gridely established contact with Barsoom, this newspaper was the first to declare it a great breakthrough. At first, there was valuable communication among individuals from each planet. Tan Hadron of Hastor told Earthmen a tale of his adventures. Likewise, Fred Jenkins of Franksville, Wisconsin, regaled us “Martians” with stories... »

By Ahm / Blade War Correspondent STO-LU BORDER — Ahm go North. Ahm afraid to do, but boss-man editor demand news of front. Ahm not afraid of war. Ahm afraid of ancient taboo. Ahm Bo-lu! Bo-lu!  But editor, ugly-one name Doug McClure, who no can act worth atis droppings, say Ahm go. So, Ahm pack lunch... »

Ghek the kaldane has been charged with disorderly conduct again. According to reports from the Jeddak’s Guard, Ghek snuck into the palace of Kantos Kan and exchanged places with the roast thoat dinner that was to be served last night. Kantos Kan himself removed the lid from the tray, and promptly fainted when the kaldane announced:... »

By Toolio Tabnuts HELIUM — The Empire has been rocked by allegations that Princess Tara cavorted naked in a one-man flier with a palace janitor from Jasoom. War is imminent, of course. The shocking revelation came during the trial of Earthman Elmo Lincoln, who is accused of stealing panties from the female slave quarters in the Warlord’s... »