Covering the Worlds of Edgar Rice Burroughs

Writer Jeff Long and artist Chris Wright probe the fantastic worlds of the man who created John Carter of Mars and Tarzan of the Apes — from the perspective of that ancient tabloid newspaper, The Barsoomian Blade.

With a dash of The Onion, and in the tradition of Tarzan Alive by Philip Jose Farmer, “Covering the Worlds of Edgar Rice Burroughs” mixes analysis with a fair amount of absurdity. That kind of scholarship can only come from a life-long love of the works penned by the Master of Adventure.

Long and Wright dive headfirst into a universe where princesses are incomparably beautiful, villains are unquestionably evil, and heroes are indisputably noble. The reporters and editors in that reality are … well … like reporters and editors everywhere — constantly chasing a roaring good story. And Burroughs provided dozens, in far-flung locales ranging from the Red Planet, to the jungles of Africa and the core of the Earth.

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BRA supporter

The unfortunate mishaps which you unfairly allude to were entirely the fault of unscrupulous conspirators and were in no way reflective of the device’s performance in the field. Furthermore, I resent the implication that funding for the invention came about because of my father’s position. I demand a retraction.
Sincerely,
Carthoris

Waziri State Police are on the scene, but back-ups are stretching all the way to Cathne.

One of the elephants is on fire, which is causing gaper delays on the outbound trail.

If you’re attempting to enter Opar to sacrifice a virgin, allow extra time.

The Jeddak’s Guard on Friday entered a strip joint in Lesser Helium and discovered a naked headless body on the stage.

“It wasn’t part of the act,” said Kantos Kan, who led the raid.

Owner Rapas the Ulsio, of Zodanga, said he had no idea who the body belonged to.

“We get this a lot,” he explained. “It really freaks out the dancers.”

Warlord John Carter was detained temporarily for questioning before Kantos Kan determined that his friend was just  staking out the joint in disguise, smeared from head to foot with red ointment.

“I was here on official business,” John Carter told a Blade reporter, who cornered him at the back door.

Princess Dejah Thoris declined comment.

When Gridley began broadcasting Jasoomian commercial radio to Barsoomian listeners, however, we became concerned. “Rock and Roll” corrupted our youth. Instead of strapping longswords to their hips, rebellious youngsters gyrated them obscenely. Instead of marching off to war to the glorious hymns of their various homelands, the music of Bob Dylan drove them to protest war! 

And then, the most insidious assault of all invaded Barsoom’s airwaves: A thing called “television.” 

Now, we endure re-runs of “The Love Boat,” and “The Jeffersons.” Glassy-eyed children argue with their stupified parents over who controls the remote. The sleeping silks and furs go without afternoon airing, because it would interfere with our princesses’ soaps. 

John Wayne war movies are the only thing on “TV” that are worth watching. But that’s not enough. 

It has to stop! BAN THE GRIDLEY WAVE! Before it’s too late.

STO-LU BORDER — Ahm go North. Ahm afraid to do, but boss-man editor demand news of front. Ahm not afraid of war. Ahm afraid of ancient taboo. Ahm Bo-lu! Bo-lu! 

But editor, ugly-one name Doug McClure, who no can act worth atis droppings, say Ahm go. So, Ahm pack lunch and go see war between Sto-lu and Band-lu. 

Before Ahm get front, stop for lunch many times. Ahm not eat lunch. Ahm be lunch for thunder lizards. Ahm smart. Ahm run. 

Ahm maybe find wife once, but she busy in pool making tadpoles, so Ahm keep go North, and think about time when Ahm just little tadpole swimming, swimming, swimming. Surprise Ahm never be lunch in those day. Best tadpole friend, Gunk, be lunch for bluegill once, then bluegill be lunch for atis, then atis be lunch for jo-oo. Is life in Caspak, cor sva jo. 

At front, Ahm much impressed by advanced technology. Sto-lu fire-power appalling. Hatchets so much finer than club of Ahm. Sharp! 

Spear of Band-lu probably spell doom of Caspak. Kill from distance, like bang-spear of Tyler. Ahm hit in backside and must sit down on soft-only grasses for two day. 

Band-lu chief To-Jo give Ahm interview when see Ahm wear “Press” hat. 

“President O-Bam of the Galu must not interfere with war,” say To-Jo. “Band-lu strong! Kill Sto-lu, then kill Galu!”

Ahm ask To-Jo why have war with tribe cor sva jo. 

“They is ugly,” he say. 

Ahm go home.

According to reports from the Jeddak’s Guard, Ghek snuck into the palace of Kantos Kan and exchanged places with the roast thoat dinner that was to be served last night.

Kantos Kan himself removed the lid from the tray, and promptly fainted when the kaldane announced: “I’m a bit underdone.”

War is imminent, of course.

The shocking revelation came during the trial of Earthman Elmo Lincoln, who is accused of stealing panties from the female slave quarters in the Warlord’s palace.

Lincoln, a commoner from a Jasoomian country called “New Jersey,” testified from the Pedestal of Truth about multiple rendezvous with the Princess Tara.

“Everybody who comes to `dis planet gets to sleeps wit’ da royal broads,” said a grinning Lincoln. “It was my turn.”

A palace spokesman dismissed Lincoln’s claim as “an outrageous lie, an alibi to escape the theft charge.

“But he’ll be excuted, anyway,” the spokesman added.

The Barsoomian Blade obtained proof of the royal hanky-panky — a picture of the pair after one of their escapades.

Tara’s husband, Gahan of Gathol, was outraged when shown the photograph.

“This means war,” Gahan declared. “We invade New Jersey tomorrow.”

The Jeddak of Helium, Tardos Mors, vowed to investigate John Carter’s hiring of a fellow Jasoomian.

“I thought I’d give the poor slob a job,” John Carter said. “He just arrived here. Naked. And he can’t even sak.”