“Romance, adventure, a kick-ass princess, great special effects – what more could you want?” said Seven Trillion Nine, a recently formed hormad who was waiting in line at the Best Buy in Phundahl.

Barsoomian critics have generally praised the import from Jasoom. The Blade’s Gornath Gash gave it four thumbs up.

Although the bio-pic showcasing the life of Warlord John Carter received only a lukewarm reception from reviewers on Jasoom, a devoted group of supporters on that planet is spurring many would-be fans to give it another chance. Now, there’s even talk of a sequel.

But the hormad obsession perplexes many observers.

“Woola!” giggled Seven Trillion Nine. “I want a Woola toy.”

Luckily on Barsoom, unlike Jasoom, there is an extensive range of merchandise available: Action figures, video games, lunch boxes, and toy swords are among the best sellers. Baby white apes are popular at pet stores.

Their numbers are swelling in a disturbing trend that some military analysts say could be an indication that Jasoom actually intends to invade our planet.

Or, they could really just want a sequel to what many film critics here on our planet say was an entertaining look at the life and times of the War Lord of Barsoom.

John Carter, of course, is originally from Jasoom — or ‘Earth,’ as the inhabitants call their world.

The prince of Helium has not commented publicly on the film. But his best friend, Tars Tarkas, Jeddak of Thark, has reportedly become totally immersed in the celebrity status he has gained since its release.

Tars Tarkas has attended several wild Hollywood parties on Earth, and is rumored to have had flings with several starlets. He was briefly detained by police, but not charged, after an incident involving Charlie Sheen and a wild calot aboard a 747 jet — a Jasoomian type of flier.

Tars Tarkas has lent his likeness to recruitment posters for the sequel campaign that is growing by the day.

Blade: We thought you were dead. Tossed off a flier by Thurid, Dator of the First Born.

Matai Shang: That’s been exaggerated.

Blade: In any case, it seems that few people have any use for you since John Carter exposed your evil sham of a cult.

Matai Shang: We serve the goddess.

Blade: Issus? She’s dead, too.

Matai Shang: The false Issus is dead.

Blade: In the Jasoomian documentary, the Therns were made out to be some kind of space-faring race of planet plundering hoodlums with all kinds of advanced technology. And shapeshifters, too.

Matai Shang: That’s true.

Blade: True of the Therns? Or true that’s how your people were portrayed?

Matai Shang: Yes.

Blade: You’re kind of a slithering thing, aren’t you? Can we get a straight answer?

Matai Shang: Indeed.

Blade: What’s with the wigs?

Matai Shang: The Holy Hair is part of our rituals. I was somewhat embarrassed to see this documentary show the Holy Therns walking about without it. Any true Thern would feel naked that way.

Blade: But you’re sitting here bald as an egg for this interview.

Matai Shang: My Holy Hair is being groomed.

Blade: What have you been doing since The Warlord exposed you as a fraud?

Matai Shang: We’re starting a new religion to take the place of the old one. Everyone needs some belief in an afterlife to cling to when the daily grind gets you down.

Blade: Are you still doing that thing where white apes tear your followers to pieces and plant men suck out their blood?

Matai Shang: No, that didn’t go over too well.

Blade: So, what’s the basis of the new gig? And what do you call it?

Matai Shang: I’m calling it “John Carter Must Die a Horrible and Slow Death.” I haven’t figured out the rest yet.

Blade: Well, good luck with that.

Matai Shang: Thank you. Here’s our card.

Blade: It’s just a picture of John Carter’s severed head.

Matai Shang: Yes, that’s our logo.

Blade:Och ochem.

Matai Shang: Och ochem.

Tars Tarkas, jeddak of Thark, denounced the move as “typical” of the hereditary enemy of his people.

“Our hatchlings will swarm into the stands of their arena and crush Warhoon,” Tars Tarkas said. “I bet Virginia!”

“They are the most curious brains in the galaxy,” Ras Thavas said, according to sources in his laboratory. “Many of them seem to dislike the recently released documentary called ‘John Carter.’”

Ras Thavas has reportedly seen the movie six times, and intends to go again this weekend.

“It’s a good ‘popcorn flick,’” he told an assistant.

John Carter meets the press

The denial came amid persistent questioning about the reaction of princess Dejah Thoris to a revelation in the movie about the Prince of Helium’s Jasoomian wife and child.

Jeddak Tardos Mors also faced intense criticism about allegations made in the documentary that he attempted to force his granddaughter into a “fate worse than death” in the form of a marriage to Sab Than. The Jasoom investigation suggests the emperor thought the unholy alliance would end the late war with Zodanga.

Jed Mors Kajak is reportedly sulking in his palace, upset that he was left out of the production.

Covering the Worlds of Edgar Rice Burroughs

Writer Jeff Long and artist Chris Wright probe the fantastic worlds of the man who created John Carter of Mars and Tarzan of the Apes — from the perspective of that ancient tabloid newspaper, The Barsoomian Blade.

With a dash of The Onion, and in the tradition of Tarzan Alive by Philip Jose Farmer, “Covering the Worlds of Edgar Rice Burroughs” mixes analysis with a fair amount of absurdity. That kind of scholarship can only come from a life-long love of the works penned by the Master of Adventure.

Long and Wright dive headfirst into a universe where princesses are incomparably beautiful, villains are unquestionably evil, and heroes are indisputably noble. The reporters and editors in that reality are … well … like reporters and editors everywhere — constantly chasing a roaring good story. And Burroughs provided dozens, in far-flung locales ranging from the Red Planet, to the jungles of Africa and the core of the Earth.

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