Archive for November, 2009

To the editor: The Barsoomian Rifle Association is disturbed by the latest proposals for limiting access to handguns. There is absolutely no need to wait a full minute to purchase a radium pistol. When you need a weapon, you need it NOW! When will these bureaucratic ulsios realize that? Bubba Blortas BRA supporter »

To the Editor: I take exception to the recent editorial in The Blade, “Unsafe at Any Speed,” which alleges that my directional compass “is the greatest danger to Barsoomian motorists since green men began carrying radium rifles.” The unfortunate mishaps which you unfairly allude to were entirely the fault of unscrupulous conspirators and were in... »

Commuters making their way to Opar this morning are experiencing long dalys because of a four-elephant pile up on the main trail into the lost city. Waziri State Police are on the scene, but back-ups are stretching all the way to Cathne. One of the elephants is on fire, which is causing gaper delays on the outbound trail. If... »

By Herbo Gooli The Jeddak’s Guard on Friday entered a strip joint in Lesser Helium and discovered a naked headless body on the stage. “It wasn’t part of the act,” said Kantos Kan, who led the raid. Owner Rapas the Ulsio, of Zodanga, said he had no idea who the body belonged to. “We get this a lot,”... »

When the Jasoomian inventor Jason Gridely established contact with Barsoom, this newspaper was the first to declare it a great breakthrough. At first, there was valuable communication among individuals from each planet. Tan Hadron of Hastor told Earthmen a tale of his adventures. Likewise, Fred Jenkins of Franksville, Wisconsin, regaled us “Martians” with stories... »

By Ahm / Blade War Correspondent STO-LU BORDER — Ahm go North. Ahm afraid to do, but boss-man editor demand news of front. Ahm not afraid of war. Ahm afraid of ancient taboo. Ahm Bo-lu! Bo-lu!  But editor, ugly-one name Doug McClure, who no can act worth atis droppings, say Ahm go. So, Ahm pack lunch... »

Ghek the kaldane has been charged with disorderly conduct again. According to reports from the Jeddak’s Guard, Ghek snuck into the palace of Kantos Kan and exchanged places with the roast thoat dinner that was to be served last night. Kantos Kan himself removed the lid from the tray, and promptly fainted when the kaldane announced:... »

By Toolio Tabnuts HELIUM — The Empire has been rocked by allegations that Princess Tara cavorted naked in a one-man flier with a palace janitor from Jasoom. War is imminent, of course. The shocking revelation came during the trial of Earthman Elmo Lincoln, who is accused of stealing panties from the female slave quarters in the Warlord’s... »